The English language is lacking some necessary words. I wondered, maybe there is a foreign word that captures what I want to articulate. Here was my Google search phrase: foreign word for when you are experiencing both the best and the worst of life simultaneously —The results were disappointing. A Google fail, or to be fair, a language fail. It gave me Schadenfreude which is decidedly NOT it. Bittersweet is a massive understatement. Sometimes I’m adept at making up words, and gave it a go:

• Catastroflourish?When one is experiencing catastrophe while flourishing?

• Disprosperpair? That’s a combination of despair and prospering.

• BotWot? Audrey thought of this one…acronym for “it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Probably my favorite.

I suppose that’s why there isn’t an existing word, no one can think of one.

I’m in Los Angeles to rehearse with the Go-Go’s, preparing for some high profile and exciting shows. This would normally be fun, but it’s coinciding with experiencing the final times of my beloved. It’s beyond stressful; extreme relentless anxiety and heartbreak. Bearing witness, helping. The only thing that soothes this shattered heart is when our little team of helpers rallies and we all become temporary heroes during the many crises and phases of this process.

I’m familiar with grief. Rough waters to navigate, but the inevitable cost of love. I’ve battered through mazes of doctors, procedures, hospitals, ERs, skilled nursing and hospice care with an innate persistence, determination, and common sense—attributes that I never realized the full value of until they were applied in this realm. My mom’s massive brain tumor, my dad’s eight month slide into the great beyond in 2018, my beloved Denny Freeman in 2021, my mom’s death in 2022.

And now this. I am strong and crumbling at once. I miss the calm place in the middle, it seems like everything is presenting as extreme duality opposites.

Fender made me a bass to my specs, it’s gold metal flake, very large flakes, so it’s gaudy and yet still sort of elegant. It plays like a dream, with a Jazz neck, which are more slim than Precision necks and suit my hands better, but I prefer the Precision body and knobs. I’m very good at doing this gig, so every day I get that familiar satisfaction of doing a job well; I think we all know and enjoy that feeling. It’s a small recompense for what comprises the rest of the day. The usual band camaraderie and jokes—always a high octane dose with the Go-Go’s— don’t penetrate the melancholy, but my own competence—which I value so very highly, is a salve. Seeing Audrey, who is taking a weekend break from her final month at university to see her mom play Coachella, will be full medicine. I love her more than anything, and her life is launching and expanding. It’s a reasonable hope that her presence will even the scales of my spirit. More balance, that sweet spot in between the swings.

Psycher tracks are done and while I wish it were all systems are go, drummer Linda Pitmon is in high demand, as is bassist Cáit O’Riordan. They both have upcoming records and tours so we don’t reconvene until the fall. Speaking of “the fall” Brix and I—(see what I did there?) will continue writing together in person while collecting song input and ideas from our band mates. Not much we can do with only four songs anyway, and we aren’t interested in cobbling together a set using past material we are associated with.

This band is something. Maybe this is why I moved to England? I don’t know, but for my subscribers, here’s a little Psycher sample to get psyched about. The first clip has me on lead vocals. It’s called “I’m On Red” —a play on words for that annoying deal when you text someone and see that it’s been “read” but not replied to. Leave it to me to figure out at age 66 that I can pull off a vocal like this. It ends with Brix and I trading guitar riffs in our very different styles. The next clip features Brix on lead vox, me on backing vocals. It’s called “Into the Sun” and I think of it as our festival song because when I hear it I can imagine a festival of people singing along to the anthem refrain—which I’m not including, sorry! The last clip is my solo from same song—you also get a glimpse of the powerhouse drumming of Linda. These aren’t even the best songs of the four. Very anxious to create more with these women, they are all excellent players and people. I’ve done the band thing long enough to know when it’s got the x factor.

I’m in a cozy AirBnB I found in the valley—my usual stay places are un-stayable, and the band is picking up the tab. It’s a long time for me to be in LA, the longest I’ve been gone from my England home. I realize that once again, it’s that experience of two things at once—comfortably familiar in the city I lived in for 27 years, spending terrible time with one of my dearest and oldest beloveds, spending good time with a band I have played with on and off since I was 22 years old. But also longing for my return, wanting to nurture and cultivate the life I’ve started growing 5000 miles away. This present is very past-ish.

Most of us I think admonish ourselves to stay present, be in the moment. I struggle with it. I’m often imagining things that are going to be happening, scripting it out in my head. What I will be wearing, saying, doing. I suppose it’s just trying to have some control, or maybe it’s just what they call monkey brain, or perhaps it keeps me sane to focus on something other than what I’d like to avoid thinking about. Which is a lot. There are a whole lot of things I do not wish to think about.

Anyway. I need to tell you all about THIS. It’s a substack series of live streams happening from loads of us music ‘stackers. We were asked to come up with something to live stream and I decided to see if the Go-Go’s would let me give my subscribers a backstage, behind the scenes peek next Weds at the Roxy. Turns out the Substack platform/ app has a great capability for this and even a special setting to make music sound good. I’ll launch my live stream at 8:15 PST, before we go onstage, show what’s happening, and capture a couple songs. Hopefully it won’t go wrong, that time before showtime is always a little hectic and crazy, but I’m going to try.

This is the end of this one. If you’re new here as a subscriber, I promise my dispatches aren’t always me me me, I actually write much of the time rather than relay what I’m going through or up to. So bear with me in this strange space I’m occupying right now, truly the worst thing I’ve experienced side by side the coolest shows I’ve ever gotten to do.

Thank you for being here, for keeping the dreaded void occupied. I am truly grateful for your time, interest, and attention. I will see you on Weds, and send out a reminder ahead of then. xKV